Ten things I have learned from Indian men

How to get a Girl Friend?

Who else could you turn to for some advice in love? The inventors of the Kamasutra; they do know it all, don’t they? So here are few sleek moves that will get you a GF in no time.

1. Park your car in a public place, perhaps near a metro station or in the mall parking.
2. Once you see a beautiful girl, start stalking her, either by walking behind her or while driving slowly at her own pace with your windows open.
3. With your sexy Indian accent, say something along the lines, “excuse me miss, but I have been watching you for the past 5 minutes while you were walking from the metro station and I think you are beautiful, can we be friends?” . Don’t worry, girls generally don’t find this creepy at all and will appreciate your courage and honesty.
4. At this point, any girl would probably say yes, proactively give you her number, even possibly get in your car. Below are some hints that could help increase your chances.
   • Hint1: having your thick Indian Mustache is a plus, all women love that.
   • Hint2: Avoid using deodorant, women love your natural body odor and it is a huge turn on to them.
5. If the natural pickup line used in step 3 doesn’t work, don’t give up, keep pushing, keep following her, keep the conversation going; just keep in mind that she is naturally attracted to you and the only reason she is ignoring you is that she is shy. Here are some possible scenarios and how you should respond to it:
   • If she says to you: “I have a boyfriend/ I am married or Engaged”… this doesn’t matter, say something like “oh, why are all beautiful girls taken” with a sad face, make her feel sorry for you, desperate men are very attractive.
   • If she starts walking faster, it means she really likes you but she is testing your physical strength and stamina and just wants to know what kind of man you are in bed.
   • If the girl is ignoring you all the way, then it means she is mesmerized by your charm and words. Simply take your wallet out and hand her over your business card.

Serious Note:

All of the above happened to my Girl Friend on a couple of occasions while she was commuting from/to work on her own. We both live in Dubai (a city  with almost half of its population are from India).

It is good to see that even within India, both men and women are aware that Indian men do not approach women properly. Some even lack respect and common ethics in the way they look at or talk to a woman.

Here is a video on this topic, I do not speak Hindi either, but most of the video is in English and the body and facial expressions say it all.

How to behave in public places?

• Once you go to the toilet, never wash your hands. The society will respect you because you are not wasting Earth’s limited resources. If you work in the food and beverage department, then your deeds will be appreciated even more because you are contributing to your customer’s immune system by exposing them to severe levels of germs; no one needs their immune system to get lazy. Occasionally, some people might get sick, but don’t worry, chances are that they will survive; what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.


Wash hands
Photo from Flickr, User: woodleywonderworks
Original: https://flic.kr/p/4EHB4p

• If you are in a public place with a bunch of your male gang, locate any female that is within 20 meters from you and start staring at her boobs, ass, thighs… It doesn’t matter if she is alone, or with her girl friends or even boy friend or husband; just be careful, if her male companion looks at you furiously, simply look away, because some stupid men don’t understand that it is normal to look at girls sexually for prolonged periods of time.

 

How to handle Queues?

•  Don’t wait in queues, just cut your way to the start of the line. Everyone will respect your sense of purpose and your efficiency in getting things done and they will understand that your time is more valuable than their own time. Few people might complain, just don’t worry about them, pretend to be clueless that the line even exists.
• If you ever decide to wait line, stand as close as possible to the person in front of you. People nowadays have grown apart due to their busy schedules and would really appreciate the unexpected intimacy.

 

How to eat?

• When you are eating in public places such as restaurants, make loud chewing sounds. Why? Firstly, most people love these sounds, Another reason is, you are establishing the fact that you are eating, both visually and audibly.  You are marking your territory, no one would even dare trying to steal your food.
• Burp loudly at every possible chance, drinking a Pepsi or CocaCola might help.

 

How to behave in work environments?

•  If you are in a position to hire a new employee, only hire other Indians. Having non-Indians as your colleagues could prove to be a threat to your growing power in the company and should be avoided at all costs.
• If there happens to be some non-Indians working in your company, then you must try to learn everything your non-Indian colleagues know, and simultaneously, avoid sharing any of your knowledge and skills with them.
• You absolutely have to act very busy during the presence of your boss. If you have no work at the moment, try to redo your last allocated task again and again.
• If you are handed over some work, try doing it in the least efficient manner possible; your job depends on it because if your queued tasks are completed, then you are no longer needed and you could be fired.

 

How to drive?

Drive in an economic manner, I will give you some fuel efficiency techniques that I have learned from Indian drivers:

1. Drive a Toyota Yaris, Nissan Tida or a Honda Civic. (These cars have high fuel efficiency and a great resale value)
2. Accelerate as slowly as possible, even if you are blocking the flow of traffic on a single lane exit or road.
3. Never exceed 100 km/hr speed (this is the speed at which most cars consume fuel at maximum efficiency). To make sure that you never need to use your breaks and re accelerate again, take the left most lane (fastest lane) always, even if the speed limit is 140 km/hr. Most of the time cars, will be behind you, some might use their flashers to give you a hint to move to the free right lanes, some might honk the horn, some might simply give up and do a takeover from your right side. It all doesn’t matter, what maters at the end of the day is that you are stress free and that your car mileage is as high as possible
4. Avoid using the breaks at all costs, don’t loose your car’s momentum (less fuel efficiency + Break pads usage), this means that once you reach your 110 km/hr maximum speed, you should ignore other drivers, look ahead and drive selfishly like a zombie.

 

How to save money?

•  Don’t go out to expensive places, don’t eat in expensive restaurants, live along with your wife and kids with 3 other Indian families in a single 3 bedroom apartment even if you are sleeping on a huge sum of money in your bank account.
• Never give tips
• If you must go out, go to free places like parks or open beaches.

 

How to use the web?

• The web’s main purpose is to sell products and promote your services. Spam everyone, on social media, on emails, on forums and blogs. Additional Hints:
• Don’t even bother to learn English (people are more likely to take your spammy offers if they don’t exactly understand what you are trying to sell).
• Don’t stay relevant. Example: if you find a running group, try to sell them phones or computers or your link building services; you shouldn’t necessarily restrict your advertising offers to sportswear or GPS enabled watches or Running apps for Android or iPhone.

 

If someone criticizes your people or your country?

Act defensively, simply deny every thing they said, even if it is true. Proceed with a counter attack on all white people, especially Americans, Canadians, Australians and British people. These ancestors of these nations have invaded peaceful civilizations in the 15th century and should never criticize your ways.